Always the giver, never the receiver?
On learning to give and love without expecting anything in return
I feel like there is this deep pain inside of me. A big, strong, dark hand squeezing my heart. A sad, blue cloud surrounding me.
Why am I always the one who cares and goes the extra mile for others without receiving the same in return?
Why am I always the one that makes sure everyone feels seen, happy, and satisfied, without receiving the same in return?
Why am I always the one that pours her heart out to people like she's giving from a bottomless glass, but ends up getting bled dry?
And why does every disappointment hurt so much?
You'd think it'd lose its power after the first few strikes, but no. It still feels like a slap in the face.
It hurts me. It saddens me. It makes me feel desperate and helpless. It angers me.
You know, I read somewhere the other day (AKA I saw a TikTok) that said: anger is a secondary emotion, fueled by other emotions such as sadness or hurt. It comes up because it's easier for us to express anger than the main, underlying emotions, in fear of looking weak.
And that's exactly how I feel.
I feel embarrassed to say that the people around me are letting me down and not reciprocating my love. Because it makes me think: What is wrong with me? Am I unlovable? Am I too much? Suddenly all the inner child issues and the hidden trauma arise.
And I can't help but feel desperate, because it makes me think that we're never able to get our needs 100% met. That the only person who can ever love us "perfectly" is ourselves (even though it's weirdly the most overlooked relationship nowadays). That we always have to settle, at a certain level. That no one will ever love me like I want to be loved. That I'll never be on the receiver side of my loving actions.
I also feel sad, because I love to love, care for, and rely on others, and this painful feeling teaches me not to. I don't want to be independent, cold and alone. I don't want to be a strong, self-sufficient girl boss. I want to be a sensitive, loving woman, living in her feminine energy with an open heart.
And I feel sad thinking just how many people have dimmed their light in order to avoid this painful feeling.
Then, I also feel scared. I feel scared because I don't want to lose my generous, loving side, but I'm afraid this feeling will slowly make me. I recently gave this piece of advice to a friend. He was mad because his friend wouldn't compromise and do what he wanted. So I told him: <that's probably because you always compromise and care for others, so when you don't get the same treatment in return you find it inexcusable and get angry. You feel angry because you feel like they owe you for something they’re not even aware of. So, maybe you should stop doing it that, so you won't expect something in return and you won't get disappointed/angry.>
There is a small dose of truth and wisdom to this, but I only now understand how wrong it is. Why would we have to dim our light? Why should we close our warm hearts? They should rise to the occasion. Or we should pick the people we invest in smarter. Or we should come to terms with giving without expecting anything in return. Or, frankly, all of the above.
—You know, I'm the one who always says that we all have different perspectives/realities and we shouldn't apply our expectations to others. But, I'm starting to realize that even though that's true, if you love, respect, and appreciate someone, you ought to take notes and learn how to love them in THEIR language.
Funny this is, you can give all the love in the world to someone. But if you don't do so in a way they understand and value, it will never be translated correctly. (i.e. see love languages)
"I just don't work that way, that's not my style, I don't see it that way" are not excuses. When you actually care for and love somebody, you modify yourself and your actions accordingly and meet them halfway.
And I deserve people who take the time to study me and show me their love and affection in my language every chance they get. Just like I do for others.
I'm in charge of who I let into my life and who I invest in, and it's about damn time I became picky, exclusive, and a lil bit harsh.
—I'm also the one who always says to my friends that what you attract is a reflection of your inner world, that every trigger is your teacher, and that we actively create our reality. Let me tell, you, it's great when you say this to others... it stings like an mf when you have to admit it for yourself. But, that's what we're here for, healing is not for the weak.
So, the million dollar question is: what part of me is screaming out for help? What part of me is desperately grasping for love, attention, and affection, and why? What part of me feels wronged, undermined, and hurt, and why?
Maybe it's because somewhere along the way, I falsely learned that keeping people happy and satisfied is my duty and mission. And maybe that stems from my deep need to be loved and my crippling fear of being alone.
Maybe watching my mom always sacrificing herself for everybody else's happiness while growing up stayed with me. She never asks for anything in return, right? And I admire, respect, and love her for that. But I also feel my heart getting heavy just from thinking of the pain, grievances, and regret she holds inside. I can see them in her brow frown lines and her sharp breaths. And I always tell her that she is doing the right thing and that the love she gives always comes back to her in the end. Just saying what I should tell myself, how ironic.
Maybe I'm looking for love and care in all the wrong places when I should be giving it to myself. They say you should give yourself what you're looking for. That what you're seeking can be found inside you. That you should treat yourself how you'd want to be treated. And maybe these apply to this situation. I do tend to put myself second, I do tend to not keep the promises I make to myself, I do tend to overlook self-care and self-love until it becomes an absolute necessity...
Or maybe I never got the attention and care I needed and my inner child is desperately looking for it now, filled with anger and hurt when others don't reciprocate her love. Even though I have a beautiful, loving family and I was a popular child with all the attention I needed in school from a young age, I always remember feeling unnoticed and unloved by my grandmother. I also remember getting scraps of attention and affection from my first boyfriend at 15. Oh, the damage that did!
Well, I'm not sure why I feel the way I do, and I don't need to have it all figured out right now.
But from now on, I will remind myself that love is always the best approach. That the love I put out always finds a way to come back to me, even If it doesn't seem like it in the moment.
That having a big, warm heart and kind, caring hands is a privilege and a blessing. That the little me that believed in fairytales and kind princesses is proudly watching me be the adult I needed.
I will also remind myself that filling as many lives as possible with love, healing and positivity is my true legacy. And that by choosing unconditional love, I lift the collective consciousness and create a healing ripple effect. I fill myself with divine energy, high vibrations, and good karma. Doesn't seem so pointless now, does it?
I will also remind myself that many people just don't know better. They're not behaving the way they do to hurt me, and I probably don't have the slightest idea of what's going on in their head/lives. Maybe they've been taught to show their love and affection in other ways than me, and maybe what seems hurtful to me is totally normal to them. I'm lucky enough to know love, kindness, generosity, and care, but maybe they don't. And that's not something I would ever blame them for.
It's important to note that I've probably been on the other end of the spectrum myself and unknowingly made people around me feel the way I do now. I do however aim to treat people how I want to be treated. I saw an African quote the other day that said "The axe forgets, but the tree remembers", meaning the person who hurts another forgets, but the person who gets hurt remembers, and it really stayed with me. I may be the tree in some situations, but I will never intentionally be the axe.
I will also remind myself that in many situations, I just need to communicate my feelings, needs, and wants. We are not mind readers, and I'm not entitled to complain or judge someone for their behavior when they don't know the first thing about what I expect/need. No matter how unromantic and dull that may sound (thank you Disney movies and romcoms), I have to help people learn how to love me in my language. I have to communicate, explain, and try.
However, I will draw boundaries. I will distance myself from people who repeatedly take advantage of my kindness and generosity and disregard my feelings. Not with anger, but with understanding. Not taking it personally and seeking vengeance, but wishing them the best and making space for people who are more aligned with me to come. I will care for myself just like I do for others and protect myself when needed.
I will invest my love and energy where it's appreciated, celebrated, and reciprocated, maintaining an open mind about how that may look like. I hold an abundance mindset and recognize that the people who speak my love language are out there for me.
I will also learn to provide all the love and care I need to myself, instead of searching for it outside of me. I will fill my world with so much love and affection, that everything else will simply be a pleasant add-on.
I will work on this as hard as I need in order to live a life filled with love and affection, and until I learn to share my love and energy with the world without being burdened by the egoic reciprocation demand. Oh, how liberating that sounds. To give without expecting, and to live with an open heart, without your mind keeping score.
I will read this every time I’m in a similar situation, add some new affirmations to my morning routine, and start incorporating self-love and self-care into my daily life.
So, that’s all for today. I am feeling so so so much better. So much lighter, centered, and aligned. So relieved and excited for the growth to come. And I hope this essay did the same for you <3
As always, make sure to share this with your loved ones so you can grow together,
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As always, shine bright and spread loveee! Sending you all my positive and healing energy xx
Have a great week and I’ll see you in a few days <3